How not to change your oil

[speedygeorge]

I saw this on another VW site, story had me in stiches and hit a little to close to home:



OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR VANAGON OWNER


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, MAHLE filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 .00
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00

KNOWING THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ..........PRICELESS

Contributed by Kevin Carrubba

[Williamtaylor33]

[kamzcab86]

_________________
~Kamz
1986 Cabriolet: www.Cabby-Info.com
1990 Vanagon Westfalia: Old Blue's Blog
2016 Golf GTI S
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - 孔子

[16CVs]

Just proves my point that alcohol has never done anyone any good.


Stacy

[ddonnell]

Hahahaha the hot oil is spot on with me.. Always cool the engine, but never long enough...
_________________
1990 Vanagon Carat-SOLD
1995 Dodge Ram 2500 4x4 V10
1966 Baja "The Beast"

instagram #bajabugproject

[kounterkultured]

Haha! Sometimes the smallest job will turn into a full project!!
_________________
Alex
-----
1989 Vanagon GL
Audi A3

[sambalayne]

[PIRATE]

[Carver Dude]

This was the perfect read for this morning as I am about to do an oil change on the van today. Plus I stopped last nite and picked up some beer for the job.. I might rethink that one!!
_________________
83 Vanagon
69 Tin Top Camper
86 Vanagon
71 Westy
76 Tin Top Westy
70 Camper

[the caveman]

[1*4*3*2]

[16CVs]

Why the "?????" . I personally think that alcohol is a waste of money and just leads to other issues. And that some people think that working on your car while drinking Beer is somehow masculine and cool .
For people who think that alcohol is a staple of life then do it responsibly and enjoy tour adult beverage after changing your oil and going to the store .
I am a tradesman and do onsite Mobile repair ,and laugh when people want to know if I want a beer before I start working on their car.
While I do not have anything against people enjoy Alcohol ,I think that every liquor store, brewery and Bar could close tomorrow and it would not change my life in any way ,except that kids would have fewer can and bottles to pick up . And there would be that many fewer delivery trucks needing repair.

Stacy

[vannygun]

I recieved an email from my dad kind of the same humor .


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
Implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.=
_________________
definition-Vanagon, "a ideal breeding ground for gremlins"
2000 jeep Cherokee sport (DD)
1990 vanagon gl 2.2 subaru(sold)
2006 jeep commander

[climberjohn]

After step 31, you missed a biggie:

31a. Overtighten oil drain plug and strip threads.
31b. Go to car parts store to buy oversized drain plug that you hope to God will fit in your newly enlarged oil drain hole.

ask me how I know about this step . . .

-CJ
_________________
'86 Westy, 2.5 Subaru power
Know your limits. Exceed them often.

[campism]

Many years ago (mid-'60s?) Road & Track magazine had a humorous article entitled Porsche Valve Adjustment that was structured along the lines of this one, with the added enticement, "...and if you remember that you'll be working upside down and backwards under a rear-engined car with the front of the engine at the rear of the car, and keep in mind the relationship between the crankshaft-camshaft-lifter-pushrod-rocker-arm-valve movement, you'll do fine."

Makes the oil change look like...an oil change. What could possibly go wrong?

[RadioRental]

[kamzcab86]

[dredward]

Thats was a gooden. While working on my van(doing the 1.8t swap) in the driveway one of my not so favorite neighbors offered to help me with the swap and work on a twelve pack. Needless to say i turned down his help.....

[whynotvw]

funny, had a good laugh. i'm guilty of doing some of those things.

[79SuperVert]

Power drill: handy tool used to twist wrist out of joint.
_________________
Central Jersey VW Society

Wanted: Art Collins VW (Savannah, Georgia) items - license plate surrounds and other items. Also ivory "AM", "FM" and "SW" buttons for a US Blaupunkt Frankfurt.