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Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption?
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vwwestyman
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 9:37 pm    Post subject: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Brief lowdown on my situation:

I've been a foster parent for 7 years, most of that time as a single guy. Got married about a year and a half ago. (March '19) We're still licensed and had one long term placement though she ran away a few weeks ago, and we're not sure she'll be allowed to return.

Meanwhile, my parents fell into a foster placement in Feb '19. That kiddo is 10 years old now.

Recently, that boy's mother gave up her rights. So odds are high, he will be up for adoption soon. I think everyone agrees that the desire would be to keep this kid in the family.

Yesterday morning, my wife commented that we should have some conversations about whether or not adopting him might be an option for us. My parents are in their 60s now and not in the most best of health.

My response was essentially, "heck yes, I would definitely do that."

This evening, she essentially tries to clarify that it is something we should be discussing and talking about, but the decision isn't made yet.

I basically said that I was on board for doing this if it was a need/option. So I guess she needs to think about it and let me know...

Her response was essentially that we needed to be making the decision together. But because I said I was already on board and sure about that being something I'd be willing to do, that meant I was more or less putting the weight of the full decision on her.

I was like, "well what do you want me to do? Back off and say I'm only 75% sure??"

What do you do when there's a very important decision to be made, and one side is totally sure but the other isn't? How do you then "Make the decision together?"
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Tram Premium Member
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 10:26 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

My suggestion would be that the two of you make an appointment to talk with a counselor that specializes in couples therapy, adoption counseling, or possibly both.

Your needs together are going to be different than either of your needs were separately, but the marriage has to come first as you both promised in your vows.

Outside professional perspectives are always good in these cases, because the counselor doesn't really have a dog in this hunt, and you can't afford to stumble into this and risk resentments later.

Best of luck to you both.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 10:34 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

sound advice from tram. a third party and neutral space can help you work through this. and yes, you will have to dial back your readiness to adopt in order to discuss this openly and without pressure. for example, how would you feel if your wife says no to adopting this boy? you have to reassure her that whatever outcome you both agree on is acceptable. the adoption process itself can be an intrusive and emotionally fraught experience not to be entered into lightly.
so I wish you well...
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:15 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Before you involve the cost logistics of a third party...

Sit down separately and write down the

Joy. Concern


in columns of adopting. Try to cover lots of things, politics, elder care, finances, college, religion...I mean go large

It is a bad dynamic to put the decision on one partner. The decisions in a marriage are made not by vote, but by both of you considering the needs of The both of you.

Barbara and I used to decide movies by the scale system.

I want to see Bruce Willis 8.3
I want to see steel magnolias 8.7

Our friends would ask, but ďwho goes first?Ē

A: , call an attorney.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:45 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Come on man! You're on a VW forum chat site and want life changing advice from strangers!?! Just from what you said, your new wife has already had a bad experience with one foster kid and doesn't want another one. If YOU want to keep your new wife YOU better concentrate on getting to know her and forget the rest. Just my opinion.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:11 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

I think the real, more general, question I meant to post was more simply:

How do you "decide together" on something, when one half of the partnership is already very sure they know what they want to do, but the other half isn't?


As far as the more specific context of the question:

Yes, it was very upsetting that the girl ran away; we're both upset by that. But neither of us has any intention of giving up. I'd actually floated the idea of maybe not doing it anymore a few days after the girl ran, because I was tired of it all. She was adamant then about still wanting to do it, and was last night too.

I think the issue is more the fact that it is a somewhat different commitment to being simply foster parents vs adopting.

But now this kid is, as far as any of us are concerned, a part of the family and I wouldn't want that to have to change.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

why did the long term placement you had run away??
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:06 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

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Dave, steps 2 and 3 are crucial to helping others. You are a newlywed. Think of a properly fitting oxygen mask as you and your wife. You must fit together as one unit before you can start helping others. Focus on your oxygen mask being secure before you try and save other people. If you arenít breathing because your mask is not secure. You will be in no shape to move on to step 4. So take care of yourself, focus on your relationship, and then save others. Hope that made sense. You a good dude Dave.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 4:12 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Xevin wrote:
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Dave, steps 2 and 3 are crucial to helping others. You are a newlywed. Think of a properly fitting oxygen mask as you and your wife. You must fit together as one unit before you can start helping others. Focus on your oxygen mask being secure before you try and save other people. If you arenít breathing because your mask is not secure. You will be in no shape to move on to step 4. So take care of yourself, focus on your relationship, and then save others. Hope that made sense. You a good dude Dave.


Sweet Jesus, that is beautiful.

Iím no expert with women but Iíll pass on this on.

ďI will listen to you and we will make this decision together , Iím ready to listen when you are ready to talk.Ē
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 5:00 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Having fostered kids and adopted one, it's my opinion that both of you have to be 100% committed to this. No exceptions.

Because when the times get tough (as in adolescent kid stuff), and they will, you don't want either of you to be second guessing your decision to adopt.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 9:59 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

bigdog1962 wrote:
Having fostered kids and adopted one, it's my opinion that both of you have to be 100% committed to this. No exceptions.


^^^

this

I have friends that adopted 3 siblings. then by some miracle they had their own after years of trying. the love for the adopted kids was lost somewhat and poured into the one they made. the adopted kids became kind of a thorn in their side so to speak.

does she want her "own" kids? if so...that is a real issue and something you really should seek help with. there are days I want to put my kid into orbit and couldn't imagine that feeling if the kid wasn't my own creation.

tough decisions...I wish you the best Dave
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 3:01 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Our son wanted to go to a magnet school for performing arts. We supported him 100%. After two years he sat down and wrote his own list of pro and con, reviewd the list, and told us he wanted to go to the local high school, and went thru why.
We supported that as well, and i was really happy with his way he processed the whole thing.
You might want to look at it that way and each make a pro/con list independently and review it with a 3rd party together. I'm coming at this being married to the same woman for over 25 years.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 8:22 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Keep the kid. Get rid of the wife. Win-win. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 5:00 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

A two years ago, my wife's Sister "dis-owned" her daughter.
The extended family was concerned enough to have the State place her with another of my wife's sisters.
This arrangement lasted 3 days.
Since then the kid has been in a State Home for at risk kids.
My Wife's Daughter attempted to maintain some contract with the kid,
but the kid was chasing My Wife's Daughter's Husband.
Needless to say My Wife's Daughter, and her Husband cut ties with the kid very quickly after that.
My point is these kids have real issues mostly because their parents were nuts,
and taking on one of these kids is not for the novice.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 7:23 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Every solid relationship exist by a mutual understanding and balance of the value each in the relationship brings to one another.

What value does your new wife bring?
What value will adopting a child bring?

Weigh out those values short term and long term.

Are you secure enough to support / sponsor those relationships no matter what?

The fact that making a mutual decision together is in questions, means that your not secure in your marriage just yet.

What will adding a 10yr old child into the mix do?

What traits has that 10yr old acquired through the system that may arise and cause household issues as he ages?
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 9:30 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

dont forget what the kid wants. Shocked Im dam neer my 60s' a 10 yearold would be great.Ive wanted to do this for a few years since my last kid flew the coupe( she also flew to kosovo yesterday for 3 years...thats gonna hurt not being able to get a hug atlast 1 time a year...but it's only 3 hugs..unless...)
my wife isant on board with fostering or adoption. so it's a non issue. you need to figure out why you have 25% reservation about this.and answer to your self honestly : is the kid a good one? does the kid like you guys? what made the other run away? how far are your parents? are your parents on board with this? do kids get in the way? do you like kids? will this kid be moved again and uprooted from a loving family? is the family a loving family? is your family a loving family? can you let the kid in? can the kid let you in? is the kid a loving kid? can you help the kid? can you give the kid a home? not a house, but a home. are you ready for all situations? are you stable?is your wife stable? what does the kid bring to your family? what does the kid bring to you? WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR THE KID TO ENSURE HE/SHE HAS A STABLE HONEST RELATIONSHIP WITH GOOD VALUES AND RESPECT TO EVERYONE?CAN YOU PROVIDE GOOD LIFE SKILLS?( thats a hard one as many people think they have them but don't, you dont know what you dont know you dont know....CAN YOU PROVIDE HIM WITH PEOPLE SKILLS FOR THE REAL WORLD?? CAN YOU DECIDE WEATHER TO BUY CATCHUP OR KETCHUP? AND FINALLY WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT? YOUR VW OR THE KIDS NEEDS/LIFE? i DID NOT HAVE ANY FOSTER OR ADOPTED KIDS....BUT i DID HAVE 2 OF MY OWN, 1 DR AND ONE US DIPLOMAT. AND ALSO 4 STEP KIDS......AND NOW A PILE OF GRAND KIDS..ALL FAR FAR FAR AWAY...WELL MINE ARE FAR AWAY.AND 1 STEP KID WITH THE FAKE BOOBS & AFU BRAIN IS IN CALI WHERE SHE BELONGS....
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 10:39 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

vwwestyman wrote:


How do you "decide together" on something, when one half of the partnership is already very sure they know what they want to do, but the other half isn't?



I just do whatever she decides.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 12:52 pm    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

marklaken wrote:


I just do whatever she decides.


In so many ways those are wise words.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2020 5:46 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

Having adopted my 2 kids, there is a lot to consider. Ask your wife what her concerns are. What is it that makes her possibly NOT want to do this. We adopted through the state agency, so there were plenty of classes to take, discussions had. Our main reason was the inability to conceive on our own. One thing to remember, they ARE your real kids when you make this choice. It's you they are expecting to see in the middle of the night when they are crying. I do agree through, many of these children do come with baggage that you may end up having to deal with in one way or another.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 08, 2020 11:16 am    Post subject: Re: Need Perspective/marital advice, possible adoption? Reply with quote

I've read this thread intently and with great sincerity- I like what Finster said. It was exactly my conclusion early on. You can be decided yourself. And there is a great supportive way to suggest to your wife "I will patiently await you and support you completely." No matter the outcome of the decision- your principal task is to be a supportive husband- and she a supportive wife to make the future work regardless. I fully back adoption as my dad was "rescued" back in the late 30s from a children's hospital by my amazing grandparents. Good luck.
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