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obus 
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Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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obus
Samba Member
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Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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Abscate
Samba Member
Joined: October 05, 2014
Posts: 24407
Location: NYC/Upstate/ROW
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 Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2025 6:58 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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Donating my assist stuff when Mom passed was Carthartic. One quirk was I found FBM wouldn’t let me sell “ medical equipment “ so I had to fake the images on stuff I did sell. I did find if I went to donate it one on one I got traffic from flippers that I didn’t want to support.
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obus
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Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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jspbtown
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Joined: January 27, 2004
Posts: 5265
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2025 6:37 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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OK....so this may sound weird but......was there anything she could have done to make this time easier for you? Other than keep living of course.
The reason I ask is that my time is coming and I am getting really worked up about preparing my wife and adult son for my passing. So thats why I am asking.
Even though I feel pretty crappy and don;t like to leave my home I am going for a week long vacation with my wife, my son, her sisters and assorted husbands, wives, girlfriends, fiancés, grandkids. (18 adults and 4 kids under 4 years old). Its going to sap a LOT of energy from me but its important to my family that I go.
So thats why I am asking....could your wife have done something to have made this easier for you?
Please don't take this wrong..I mean no disrespect and I am NOT implying that she did anything wrong in any way.
Again....my prayers will be for you tonight. |
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obus
Samba Member
Joined: March 08, 2001
Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2025 7:06 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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| jspbtown wrote: |
OK....so this may sound weird but......was there anything she could have done to make this time easier for you? Other than keep living of course.
The reason I ask is that my time is coming and I am getting really worked up about preparing my wife and adult son for my passing. So thats why I am asking.
Even though I feel pretty crappy and don;t like to leave my home I am going for a week long vacation with my wife, my son, her sisters and assorted husbands, wives, girlfriends, fiancés, grandkids. (18 adults and 4 kids under 4 years old). Its going to sap a LOT of energy from me but its important to my family that I go.
So thats why I am asking....could your wife have done something to have made this easier for you?
Please don't take this wrong..I mean no disrespect and I am NOT implying that she did anything wrong in any way.
Again....my prayers will be for you tonight. |
Even though she was saddled with the disease it was still unexpected. And obviously it cant be planned but if she passed away while asleep as opposed to me trying to give her CPR would have been easier to handle. The last kiss i ever gave her was trying to keep her alive. It is hard to get that out of my mind. I was supposed to go to a VW show that day called Dubs in the Shrubs. and i was going to have my Mother in Law come back from her house 2 hours away to take care of my Wife while i went. I am happy that i did not put my Mother in Law through that.
I think that the fact you are doing that with them even though you dont really want to is very honorable. I think the fact that they want to spend time with you is very loving.
_________________
July 1959 Mango Standard Bus aka Obus https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=256592&highlight=
June 1973 Pumpkin Orange Thing aka Othing
https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=711775&highlight=
1960 Paprika Red Karmann Ghia Convertible aka Schatze built 5/20/60
https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=...highlight=
March 1956 Beetle convertible https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?p=10419731&highlight=#10419731 |
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jspbtown
Samba Member
Joined: January 27, 2004
Posts: 5265
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2025 7:27 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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That must have been terrible. I can not imagine. I have told my family that I would prefer to be alone when I pass. My father was very ill and my sister and I sat by his bedside assuring him that we would take care of mom. Watching him breathe, then stop for a few seconds, then take a big inhale for well over an hour was difficult. I do not want my son to go through that. I have told him "nothing left on the table. Nothing left unsaid". I have also made him promise to go see the therapist my wife and I have been seeing at least once. Just once. I have lost lots of sleep praying that my passing does not mess up his life.
Nor do I want to have my wife live in a house where I died.
Enough of this dying crap!  Its not happening today. Not today. |
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Abscate
Samba Member
Joined: October 05, 2014
Posts: 24407
Location: NYC/Upstate/ROW
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2025 1:36 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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I just want to thank you for sharing these moments of raw humanity. Don’t worry about the burdening, it’s much better to core dump your feelings than to hold back. I was really lucky with Mom, she went from a T5 turbo Volvo stick shift to her last breath in 10 days , at age 93. I’m sitting on the couch where we spent evenings watching “Foyles War” right now
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Pau
Samba Member
Joined: April 09, 2002
Posts: 381
Location: Euskal Herria
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2025 9:55 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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Good morning all.
Obus, I am so sorry for you. I can’t do other thing that put my witness. As many others, I don’t know you personally but I’ve read a lot of your posts here. Many of them helpful, others fun, always interesting.
Your post made me cry like I didn’t do since several months. Thank you.
People saying your wife will always be with you, even if well intentioned, don’t know what a loss is. A kiss, a smile, a warm embrace will never physically come back. Our beloved are there, but they are not there. And we would pay what we don’t have to get that kiss again!
| Jacks wrote: |
From a post on Reddit years ago. I hope it helps
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. |
We lost our youngest son almost 3 years ago and Jacks’ post describes very well this feeling. It is not very encouraging thinking we will have to pass another 40 years receiving waves. And knowing sharks are all over trying to make your survive even more difficult.
We have this nice VW virus that gives us the possibility to take an introspective moment to find our gone beloved in a metaphysical way. I wish I could run the Westy like I did with our child on October 2022. It’s not running… But when I isolate myself in the shop and keep on stripping aftermarket painting, I am with him and can often feel his small arms in a hug, I ask him to help me. That’s one of the small things I can do. For sure you can imagine your wife’s curled hairs (apparently not your ones  ) waving while driving your vert. Keep on doing it.
| jspbtown wrote: |
OK....so this may sound weird but......was there anything she could have done to make this time easier for you? Other than keep living of course.
The reason I ask is that my time is coming and I am getting really worked up about preparing my wife and adult son for my passing. So thats why I am asking.
Even though I feel pretty crappy and don;t like to leave my home I am going for a week long vacation with my wife, my son, her sisters and assorted husbands, wives, girlfriends, fiancés, grandkids. (18 adults and 4 kids under 4 years old). Its going to sap a LOT of energy from me but its important to my family that I go.
So thats why I am asking....could your wife have done something to have made this easier for you?
Please don't take this wrong..I mean no disrespect and I am NOT implying that she did anything wrong in any way.
Again....my prayers will be for you tonight. |
I find you very brave asking this! Thank you for sharing! Share moments whith them and smile, kiss, take pictures! Tons of pictures!
Thank you all and have a nice day.
Courage Obus.
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Freedom for the Catalan Countries
Si ens destrossen les contrades alçarem les barricades !!*!! |
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obus
Samba Member
Joined: March 08, 2001
Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2025 12:46 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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| Pau wrote: |
Good morning all.
Obus, I am so sorry for you. I can’t do other thing that put my witness. As many others, I don’t know you personally but I’ve read a lot of your posts here. Many of them helpful, others fun, always interesting.
Your post made me cry like I didn’t do since several months. Thank you.
People saying your wife will always be with you, even if well intentioned, don’t know what a loss is. A kiss, a smile, a warm embrace will never physically come back. Our beloved are there, but they are not there. And we would pay what we don’t have to get that kiss again!
| Jacks wrote: |
From a post on Reddit years ago. I hope it helps
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. |
We lost our youngest son almost 3 years ago and Jacks’ post describes very well this feeling. It is not very encouraging thinking we will have to pass another 40 years receiving waves. And knowing sharks are all over trying to make your survive even more difficult.
We have this nice VW virus that gives us the possibility to take an introspective moment to find our gone beloved in a metaphysical way. I wish I could run the Westy like I did with our child on October 2022. It’s not running… But when I isolate myself in the shop and keep on stripping aftermarket painting, I am with him and can often feel his small arms in a hug, I ask him to help me. That’s one of the small things I can do. For sure you can imagine your wife’s curled hairs (apparently not your ones ) waving while driving your vert. Keep on doing it.
| jspbtown wrote: |
OK....so this may sound weird but......was there anything she could have done to make this time easier for you? Other than keep living of course.
The reason I ask is that my time is coming and I am getting really worked up about preparing my wife and adult son for my passing. So thats why I am asking.
Even though I feel pretty crappy and don;t like to leave my home I am going for a week long vacation with my wife, my son, her sisters and assorted husbands, wives, girlfriends, fiancés, grandkids. (18 adults and 4 kids under 4 years old). Its going to sap a LOT of energy from me but its important to my family that I go.
So thats why I am asking....could your wife have done something to have made this easier for you?
Please don't take this wrong..I mean no disrespect and I am NOT implying that she did anything wrong in any way.
Again....my prayers will be for you tonight. |
I find you very brave asking this! Thank you for sharing! Share moments whith them and smile, kiss, take pictures! Tons of pictures!
Thank you all and have a nice day.
Courage Obus. |
All good points Pau. I am sorry for the loss of your Son at a young age. I can't imagine that type of loss. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
_________________
July 1959 Mango Standard Bus aka Obus https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=256592&highlight=
June 1973 Pumpkin Orange Thing aka Othing
https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=711775&highlight=
1960 Paprika Red Karmann Ghia Convertible aka Schatze built 5/20/60
https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=...highlight=
March 1956 Beetle convertible https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?p=10419731&highlight=#10419731 |
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Abscate
Samba Member
Joined: October 05, 2014
Posts: 24407
Location: NYC/Upstate/ROW
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2025 11:14 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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Bumping this to spread the love...
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obus
Samba Member
Joined: March 08, 2001
Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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finster
Samba Member
Joined: May 26, 2012
Posts: 10530
Location: not far from the madding crowd
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2025 8:35 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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sounds like you're hanging in ok. officialdom can be a pita though. when my dad died I notified the gas supplier for his bungalow and told them I'd be paying the bills until it sold. they sent an email to his address 'hi eric, we're sorry you're leaving us - here's an offer to tempt you back...' 
what can you do except laugh poignantly...
hope the trip south goes well, sounds like an opportunity to share fond memories with friends.
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"we're here on Earth to fart around" kurt vonnegut
nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect... |
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obus
Samba Member
Joined: March 08, 2001
Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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Abscate
Samba Member
Joined: October 05, 2014
Posts: 24407
Location: NYC/Upstate/ROW
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2025 2:07 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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| jspbtown wrote: |
That must have been terrible. I can not imagine. I have told my family that I would prefer to be alone when I pass. My father was very ill and my sister and I sat by his bedside assuring him that we would take care of mom. Watching him breathe, then stop for a few seconds, then take a big inhale for well over an hour was difficult. I do not want my son to go through that. I have told him "nothing left on the table. Nothing left unsaid". I have also made him promise to go see the therapist my wife and I have been seeing at least once. Just once. I have lost lots of sleep praying that my passing does not mess up his life.
Nor do I want to have my wife live in a house where I died.
Enough of this dying crap! Its not happening today. Not today. |
I’ve been jacked busy at work and missed this one.
By the time agonal breathing comes, the patient is not suffering. There is loose awareness if any but at that point higher brain is shut down and you are just waiting for autonomous to stop. It helped me with both Dad and Mom when they passed at identical ages of 93! Mom passing was absolutely Hallmark. Checked into hospital 8 days before , having driven to store in morning in my T5 stick shift, 7 days later flew in two brothers from west coast arriving evening, passed 1000 next morning.
Thanks for everything , to the end, Mom.
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finster
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Joined: May 26, 2012
Posts: 10530
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2025 3:45 am Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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it's a difficult time and everybody is different in what feels right for them. after sitting with mum for her last (eight!) days my brother and I had differing responses. he found it awful but I was okay with it - in fact I'll admit I found it quite fascinating. so when dad was in his last days my brother made it clear that he didn't wish to be there and 'wasn't going through that again' - that was fine - and that he didn't expect or pass the burden onto me to be there. but for me it felt right that I should see dad out and I would have felt more upset if I wasn't by his side at the end.
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nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect... |
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jspbtown
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2025 5:29 pm Post subject: Re: My Wife passed |
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| Just checking in to see how you are doing obus...... |
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obus
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Posts: 11781
Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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OB Bus
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obus
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Location: just off Garden State Parkway Exit 81
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